The easy out weights the hard…

Woman in her mid 20’s.  Married for 11 months.

Marriage is doing life with another person wholeheartedly even when its hard and even when its easy.

I would have done different things like traveling, but I moved states because of my husband and I am making things work. Eating dinner together, deciding what movie to watch, doing the deed, that’s always easy. The easy out weights the hard, which is always good. I don’t resent that I didn’t do my traveling, because in the grand scheme of things, I am happier now with what I chose. I don’t know if I’m just happy in my own skin or in my own life but I don’t feel like I’m in need of anything.

I am obtaining all the things I want, but in a different way.

It’s really stupid how I met my husband. His mom set us up. His mom and I worked together and she set up a “work” meeting in his apartment. When I was there I had this feeling that I was going to spend time in this apartment. The mom then left and poured us a glass of wine. So it was just the two of us. When I got home that night I emailed him my number. I go after what I want. He didn’t respond until the next afternoon so we were playing mr. and mrs cool. We met at the bar that night, spent the night and I moved in. It happened very fast. In a week. I knew I was going to marry him after a week. I am a big believer in God telling me “this is it, girlfriend.” It was an overwhelming feeling of it being right. That’s what I was supposed to be doing. He was what I was supposed to do. He said I love you first. We dated for 9 months. He got a job offer in another state. We talked about getting married. I had a lot of going on so I didn’t want to give up all of that. If he wanted me to move with him, we had to make it official. He is an elaborate and a hopeless romantic, so the proposal was a big event that he planned for weeks.

We both communicate very differently. We are still working on this. When I am upset I get rude for a whole day. I need to be a crab for a whole day. He thinks its all on him, and wants to fix it. Not everything is about you. Im just upset, and I need my space. He learned very quickly that when I want to be crabby, I need to be crabby. But I need to learn that he is a business guy. When there’s a problem he wants to talk about it right now, lets fix it, lets address it now and not internalize it. That’s the hardest thing because I prefer to internalize things. When I need to tell him something, I need to tell him 100%, not half way so we can fix it. Simple things like he has no problem buying a $250 nest and you have an issue with my $10 drawer. We don’t have the same values.

Finances has been a funny thing. I was always very independent and we moved in together quickly. “We are not roommates, it’s my job as a man to support you,” he says. I wanted control of my own money and giving up some of that control has been interesting but at the end of the day he makes most of our income. All of our accounts are shared. Some of our credit cards are not because I don’t want him to see the stuff I do sometimes. He doesn’t need to know everything.

We lived together for a year so get the ugly stuff out of the way before we were married. I didn’t really have any expectations. We have been very up-front with each other. From the first email- “I like you, here’s my email, call me.” That’s how we are with each other so we knew what we were getting into. My family is very close, but not his. Not all families have the same relationship. He acknowledges that his family is a bit screwed up. He is realizing the value of having a family through me.

My favourite part about being in a marriage is that you are never lonely. He is not home all the time, but he is someone that checks in with me. I think it’s awful to come home alone and not have someone to call or report back to.

It’s nice to have this one person to bug whenever I want.

We have done a lot in our first year, changed jobs, bought a house, we have travelled. If you look at our year, a lot has happened, we got a dog. Just figuring all of that out… I work at night. How do we spend our time together? Valuing that time together. Appreciating each other. Learning how to ask for help from each other because we are both very independent.

There’s always a little bit of “oh my goodness, what have I done” but if they have been surrounded by good examples of marriage, I think it helps. There’s been so much divorce that people see marriage as temporary. If people go into the full commitment, this is meant to be forever, then it could be so different from them. That’s one of the things my grandma said to me. “Don’t look at this thing as a temporary thing. You don’t do that.” If there was a crazy mistress scenario I want to think that I would get over the jealousy. If he cheated, he would pay for it. I am young, I have nothing to lose. What was I to lose if I let my heart go?

But in your 30s you have your career, your life together with more years of experience and there’s more on the line. I assume people are a little more guarded the older they marry. I noticed my husband’s faults on day two but if you are devoted… you have to learn how to love somebody. I have friends that call me to complain about their partners: “theres so many things I cant handle!” they say. But what do you want me to do? It’s life!

Note: All interviews shared in this website are part of the project THE MARRIAGE STORY COLLECTOR by Daniela Antelo and all of the people that have been interviewed are and will be held anonymous. 

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