I always thought it was my fault…

Currently in my early 30’s. Was married for almost 10 years. Im an currently divorced, working as an artist entrepreneur and professor.

When I was younger I wanted to get married. I thought it would be a glorious, wonderful adventure. I have an overwhelming desire to connect. Since being divorced I realized marriage is not a necessity. I can live, survive and thrive without a partner. It’s a want and no longer a need.

Humans seek two things- pleasure and avoiding pain. So the person you are with either brings you more pleasure and more pain. That’s what happened in my marriage.

The pleasure I received outweighed the pain, but at some point it wasn’t enough. Being with this person was bringing more pain than pleasure. My ex grew up in the Mexican culture, his mother did everything- cooking, cleaning, food, etc. I grew up differently, one of 4 girls, we were self-sufficient. We discussed it but when we lived together he thought “you are the wife, you should do it all.” I began to resent his family. In my house we screamed and even in screaming, we were communicating. But he never saw his parents communicating. He expected an easy falling of roles. I would do everything he said. For me, I wanted to talk everything out. That’s what a partnership was. If you are not hearing me, I will get louder. The last two years were the most resentment and the most lies. I don’t know if the communication was genuine or if it was a new discovered expectation. I spent a lot of time fighting the expectation of the female role.

I wouldn’t mind cleaning until it was expected, and then I would stop cleaning. I showed love through cooking, but if you are expecting it, I would stop. I didn’t like it any more. About three months into my marriage I had my first strike. It was a bruise that wouldn’t heal and put a strain on the marriage until the end. I tried to fix it, but the inevitable happened. I blamed myself.

Once we were engaged, I decided to have sex. Once we got married his sex switched off. My husband didn’t want me anymore. I had to beg for affection. So I confronted him about it and he told me that I was boring. Especially someone who doesn’t have much experience But no matter what I did, he was not receptive to it. Things continued to escalate. He talked to another women when I was away and even found pornography. I tried to hide it.

I always thought it was my fault. I wasn’t doing the right things. Over time, I found emails, different conversations with women. I caught him every time, so I would check his phone or email and several things happened. We got in a fight when he saved porno pics in my computer. I confronted him about it. He knew exactly how to hurt me back. You are supposed to be my best friend. Your best friend? We are not even friends. We have nothing in common. But for some reason we took a second to decide if we wanted to stay together.

He put an add on craigslist selling himself to potential women. Swears nothing came of it. This was the 5 year mark. He discovered that he was classified by the church as a sex addict. In society, its intercourse. In the church, it includes pornography, and seeking relationships outside of marriage. He swears to this day it was nothing but porno, but the last year I didn’t know what the role of the wife is.

Once you become the wife, you don’t have the aura that makes you mysterious and sexy. You are there. We can only be intimate like this because you are my wife. I can’t do these other things with you. Porn addicts cant get intimate with another person because of that instant gratification. We were not allowed to talk about sex. He would get angry.

It was never my fault.

I remember always thinking “I love my husband…. But” I love being married, but.

The BUT is so hazardous because you are always looking at what your other options are. You are keeping XYZ in the back of your mind as options. Also why can’t it still happen when you are married? You are putting into the universe and accentuating all the things that are not so great. You are carrying around baggage. You either accept your husband with toilet sit up, hair in the sink, or you don’t. The little small things that we think are so minute… but you are keeping a running tab of all the crap that annoys you about this person. You are not consciously trying to hurt your husband. You really do love this person. It’s a mindset. Almost a protective barrier. You are putting choices as if they were a choice.

Note: All interviews shared in this website are part of the project THE MARRIAGE STORY COLLECTOR by Daniela Antelo and all of the people that have been interviewed are and will be held anonymous. 

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