The bottom line is that everyone wants the same things. People don’t accept that people change. They also don’t accept that they themselves change as well.
My decision to leave my marriage was a clear one. I was looking for a spiritual connection but my ex and I couldn’t fill each other’s needs that way. And that’s were the problem was. We expected each other to fill that need. But only you can fill your own needs. You are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings. Your emotions are not you. Our thoughts are not real…
People need to understand that we have our own authority to design a relationship that works for us. Drop any expectation because it becomes resentment if they are not fulfilled.
Looking back at my relationship, I couldn’t go back to living that way. We became complacent to each other and drowned into the “roommate situation.” For me, I try to live in the present moment. I don’t feel responsible for what the other person feels. Sure, there were moments of sadness. Sure, I felt pain. But no struggle. The less rules I have about relationships, the more freedom I feel.
I am responsible of creating my own reality, in however way I choose to. In order for a relationship to work, it needs polarity. If you put your partner first, and them first, all the time, then what? Where does that leave you?
I got married the first time because of the certainty that I would not be alone. It was a cowardly decision. I now choose to be a warrior. The difference between a warrior and a coward is cowards act on fear. I now understand that mentally we are never alone. Every relationship we have on this earth is a tool. For example, if a person pisses you off, it’s because you have those buttons in you that are being pushed.
An ideal relationship is two separate lives sharing an experience. The way we experience things as a couple is so different than the way we experience things on our own. I want someone that is fulfilling their own passions instead of being a metronome. People don’t understand that happiness is a choice. It’s a path. Happiness is being present. Happiness doesn’t need an outside reason. Two people are together for as long as they need to be.
Communication is a skill that humanity lacks. Body language accounts for over 80% of communication. When you are present, how does the other person learn? What are you made of? Be present. Pay attention. If someone gets me, it’s priceless because I am being accepted. I am seen and I am validated.
In a relationship, the other person is a mirror of you. So get rid of rules. Get rid of meaning. For me, the words “forever” and “always” are relationship killers. A soul mate is not just one person. You can love more than just one person. In my path, I found through Daoism the pattern of relationships- the roadmap for a passionate and energetic relationship. Be open. Be excited, but more than anything choose to excited with your partner. If you want an amazing life, you have to be responsible for it. A relationship takes work.
There is a negative connotation to the word work, but work is just an action. Bring creation into everything you do. You can feel that a relationship can mean you are losing your freedom, but the correct rules of marriage is that freedom will never go away.
I have learned that lack of freedom in a marriage is created from our background and that passion is an energy force very different from sex. I understand that cheating is a quick fix. A band-aid to what I’m feeling at the moment. People need to be responsible.
My advice is to make your journey manageable. You can make links with other people because they are links to something that is missing from you. You are attracted to the person you are when you are with them. For example, I love the person I am when I am exploring. Why do we gravitate towards some people more than others? Because they are a reflection of us. The worth thermometer can be felt by the people you surround yourself with. I was in a marriage for 6 years. But I am not my past. When I start attaching to things or ideas, I take out my invisible scissors. I am not devastated. That word is irrelevant.
Note: All interviews shared in this website are part of the project THE MARRIAGE STORY COLLECTOR by Daniela Antelo and all of the people that have been interviewed are and will be held anonymous.