Some people say that women go through a big change around 27. Then another in their 40’s that could coincide with the 20 year part of marriage. It’s a time in your life when you could be prone to changing your mind about things. And we don’t talk about that.
When I had my affair, I was focusing on being busy to avoid suicide. “I have places to be this week, so I cant kill myself this week,” I would say. People are depending on me so I have to be alive another week… I always needed something to do to keep going.
I still wish that had never happened at all. I nearly put a gun to my head. Now I am a completely different person. My husband and I are in a different place but I nearly put a gun in my head at the time. The night he found out was through an email on my phone. He didn’t know the details until that night. All I could think about was I had to kill myself because Im going to lose everything. My house, my marriage and this other guy is not even around. I ruined my life. And when I get divorced I will have no money for my dance classes. One reason I want to get into university again is because when I am learning, I don’t think about him. I can’t think of a better way to get rid of him than to get a degree. People go into it for all kinds of reasons, but I think this would do the trick. The amount of love my husband showed after this all came out… I didnt think he could think outside the box so much but he did understood what I was feeling.
I know he knows that I am still in love with this other man. You can’t fix everything in one day or one year but I also don’t trust this other man any more. I don’t want him in my life. He is bad for me. My husband and I are a compact unit focused on what we both need. We know the world is a difficult place and it’s better to be in a partnership. There’s so much stimulation. If we could find a quieter existence near the mountain we would be extremely happy. I am determined to live my life with my husband.
When I had this affair, I just know that I felt… I felt a completely different kind of love that I didn’t believe existed. Other wordly, falling in love, completely irrational. It wasn’t the same way I love my husband. But I have renewed my commitment to him and I wont make that promise again. I was trying to figure out how to stay alive the whole time. I am still angry at the universe. I don’t like that it happened. I feel horrible but I wasn’t in control for how my heart felt. I can’t feel guilty because that’s what my heart felt.
Forgiveness is about taking back the power for yourself. I try to remember that I tried to commit suicide. Maybe in 10 years ill see it different but I don’t want to simplify it. Was it really love? Every now and then ill write him a letter I never send. I have to have a place to write my thoughts. Sometimes I write myself a letter. But sometimes I want to write him. Maybe that’s the lesson. Maybe there is somebody worst that will come across but now I’m on guard. I misjudged how he felt. I was so wrong, so naïve, I wish that I had been more cynical. I don’t want him to have any more of me. He can’t claim me as a friend. He claims all his ex lovers as friends. I wont let him have that. I wished I had known the changes that women go through. It doesn’t matter if I figure it out or not. I don’t know how to turn it off to think about him. I just wake up each day saying why did it happen. I don’t know how to turn that off. I do know time helps. There was misjudgement on his part. I learned a lot of things from this, like to not over plan and live in the moment.
I keep dancing.
Note: All interviews shared in this website are part of the project THE MARRIAGE STORY COLLECTOR by Daniela Antelo and all of the people that have been interviewed are and will be held anonymous.