I thought life by his side was always going to be great…

This is a woman in her early thirties.

The attempt to make a life together, happy, is what marriage should be. I strongly believe so. I am currently married. This is my second marriage.

Security is important to me. Knowing that you have to face life by yourself is hard. But this is not the reason that I got married. Maybe a little bit the first time. The first time I got married, I was young and stupid and very much in love. I thought back then it was a good idea. He was great and charming and wordly. I thought life by his side was always going to be great.

My first husband I met at a restaurant, I was working as a waitress and he came in for the first time, ordered 6 beers all by himself. I said, “If you don’t have any friends that’s understandable.” He laughed. Then his five friends showed up. They were a regular group that showed up after doing sports, first clue this was not a bad idea. This was my first day working at the restaurant.

He gave me his number and then we lost touch for a while. We dated for a year and then got married. He was 9 years older than me. It was a slow process to be more friends than feeling disturbance. He was away a lot. He worked all the time. Whenever he came home, I had a feeling he was disturbing me. We were not welcomed in each other’s lives any more.  We built separate lives. Separate lives for me included couples therapy and his included two women and a child. Then he married the woman with the child, and cheated on her with the other one.

If you met him, you would not know he is the one we are talking about. He looks so harmless. His absence… led us to live separate lives. He turned into an egocentric asshole during the marriage. He probably always had the tendency but it was just him who was important in the marriage. He left me, and two weeks later I was informed about the pregnancy. That’s the most disturbing thing. You would think that when you are married the reaction is “please don’t leave me, lets make it work,” but I was dumped. What was so hard for me is that I never thought he would do this to me because he was my friend. He didn’t give a shit. He didn’t even give it a chance.

The romantic part of the relationship had been dead. I think there were things I could’ve done that could’ve saved the marriage if he hadn’t changed so much during the marriage. But actually, I couldn’t have done anything to save it. If he had been the same person he was when we got married, then maybe. I think he changed because he was extremely successful. I tend to be very attentive to my partners so it puts more oil into that fire. He thought he was a boom shakalaka and he could do whatever he wanted. It lasted three and a half years.

After this experience, I didn’t want to get married again. I always loved being married. I liked being married back then and I like being married now. It’s a special thing. I like the feeling. I like it even more now with my current husband knowing that we mean the same to each other. I like that bond. Deep down inside I am a strong independent woman. But I like that there is someone who would care for me, holds my hair when I throw up as I am drunk. I like that there is this someone that gets annoyed with me. But I know whatever I do is ok.

I think there are more people that this ONE special someone. I think the special bond is not a nature-given thing. I think it is hard work. That might be a feeling of divorced people. It was not a special bond. It was something I thought was there. Or maybe the special bond has a time limit. I was  very young when I got married. The younger you are the more you change. Maybe if you don’t change at the same pace, or you don’t have the tolerance for your partner’s changes, maybe the bond will not last. So I learned how much work and tolerance it takes to make a marriage work.

My current husband and I fight all the time, non-stop, maybe because I don’t want to end in this situation of indifference with my partner. I fight like there is no tomorrow. Im pretty sure other couples have more civilized discussions. We could not be more opposite. He talks in the morning. I leave without talking. I talk at night when he wants to sleep and of course I feel I am right because I have stories from the whole day. We fight all the time. But maybe that makes it work. Im just never wrong. Discussing, fighting, talking until you don’t want to talk anymore. It’s being respectful to things that you don’t agree with. I think mainly, especially for women, the hardest work is not to lose yourself. Work on your own happiness. I was only happy when my ex was happy. I still have sometimes a hard time saying that I am feeling good when my partner is having a shitty day.

I don’t think marriage is an ideal state for humans. I say that because most people have forgotten what marriage is about. Most people want the ring and the party, and all your fraternity brothers do that. It’s a social thing, more than a decision. If the pressure wasn’t there, I don’t know if people would decide that.

I fell in love with both of my husbands the same way. I don’t know how to fall in love any other way. I was still very paranoid with my first marriage when I walked into my second one. I remember one time we were coming back from somewhere. There was a pink sequence on our bathroom rug and I freaked out. I had not known that feeling before. The thing is that he understands that mindset so that helps. I was like, “no way.” He said, “there’s nothing I can say but do you think I have someone else, coming to our studio apartment?” He was right. But I was crying. Never had that feeling before and luckily never again. I am a terrible passenger seat driver. It manifested in the car. After I divorced, this feeling of control came to me and it’s just terrible. If we ever get divorced it will be in the car. I would say to my friends, don’t ever forget who you were before your husband. And that’s my biggest thing. I am very OCD … But maybe there is a middle ground to meet your partner… Dirty dishes do not mold if you put them in the freezer.

 

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